10 Things TO SAY WHEN YOUR EX’S BREAKS UP WITH YOU
This makes me really sad, but I respect your decision.
I’m grateful for everything that we had together and I wish you all the best.
I know we had problems and I thought we were working on them. I still think we could have a good future together, but I understand you don’t see things the same way.
I’d be lying if I said I was totally okay with this. I think you’re awesome. I want you to have a happy life. I hope I can still be a part of it somehow, even if we aren’t together.
The truth is that I am sad now, but I’m going to be okay. I’m going to miss you.
I’m just trying to keep it together right now. I didn’t see this coming and—if I’m being honest—it really hurts. But I can’t make you do anything you don’t want to do. I really care about you and if being with me doesn’t make you happy, then I agree that we shouldn’t be together.
We experienced so much together, and I’m grateful for what we had. I still care about you a lot and it will make me sad to see you go.
You’re going to have to give me some time to think about this. Do you think we could talk in a couple of days?
This hurts so much. I’m not telling you that to make you feel bad. I’m just trying to be honest. I wish this weren’t happening, but I accept that you have a different vision of the future.
I wish I were a part of your future, but I can’t make you change your mind. I think it will be best if we don’t talk to each other for a while, so before that happens, I just want to tell you one last time that I do love you and I want only the best things for your life.
I don’t completely understand why, but I understand that you don’t want to be together anymore, and that makes me really sad. I know I’m going to be okay but it hurts a lot right now.
I still care about you and I’m going to miss you.
I don’t hate you, but right now I do feel hurt and angry. I hope you understand that I need some time alone. I hope that we can still be friends later on, but right now I don’t know.
I didn’t think that this would be happening. I wanted to stay together. But you don’t feel the same way. I wish you all the best. Goodbye.
Breakups Suck, but You’re Going to Be OK
Breakups hurt. Sometimes it’s very difficult to know why your ex decided to end things. You may feel embarrassed, like you’ve lost your dignity. Or you might feel messed up, like your world is turned upside down. You might even be so confused that you feel useless. Now that your romantic relationship is over, what else is there?
People react differently during breakups. Generally the ones who get hit the hardest are those who are on the receiving end—especially when they didn’t see it coming (and especially if it was a long-term relationship). That’s not to say that people aren’t affected when they’re the one that ends the relationship either. Especially if the relationship was very serious, usually the ones who break it off feel pretty bad about it too.
They definitely suck. But no matter what—you have a choice in how you respond to a breakup. Remember that you want to keep as much of your dignity as possible so you can hold your head high the next time you see your ex. You might be crumbling inside, but they don’t have to know that.
It doesn’t matter if you’ve gone through lots of breakups or if this is your first one—it’s a good idea to be careful in your response. You’ll only embarrass yourself if you act dramatically.
Also, if you have a meltdown during the breakup—no matter which side you are on—it’ll take longer to heal, and there is almost no chance your ex will consider getting back together with you (if that is something that you want to do).
Here’s some more detail on how you can best respond if someone is breaking up with you.
1. PRETEND LIKE YOU’RE OKAY
Psychological studies have shown that acting like you’re OK—doing things like smiling or staying calm—can actually help you feel better. Even though in the moment you may feel like you want to disappear, do your best to put on a brave face. At the very least, it will help you keep your dignity in front of the person who’s dumping you.
2. STAY CALM. BREATHE.
When we are in anxiety-producing situations, our body has the tendency to tense up. This may cause you to hold your breath, which makes you feel even more tense and emotional, and so on. Even though it may seem like you’re going to lose control if you breathe, let it happen.
Focus on the feeling of breath coming in and out of your nose (a useful mindfulness technique), and taking deep breaths and counting them. This will help keep your feelings from spiraling out of control.
3. RESPECT YOUR EX’S DECISION
Accept and respect your ex’s decision. Respecting the decision means you’ve heard what they’ve had to say and are not in denial about what is happening.
It is true that it hurts. You might cry and you will, in fact, feel hurt. What matters, however, is how you react. At first, you just need to listen and make sure your ex knows they have been heard.
4. DON’T TALK TOO MUCH
If you talk a lot, you might say things that you will regret later. Say only what you have to say, not everything that you want to say. You don’t need to tell them everything that’s on your mind or give them a piece of it.
You don’t need to tell them how much you’re hurting or if they’re breaking your heart— they are no longer the person you tell everything. Don’t let them know how hurt you are. Let them see with their own eyes how strong you are by not allowing yourself to act irrationally or blab on about how much you’re going to miss them.
5. DON’T TRY TO FORCE THEM TO STAY
Remember that you can’t force things. Don’t try to force someone to stay in the relationship when they don’t want to. You should respect the decision that has already been made, regardless of whether or not you think it’s justified.
You can’t force someone to love you when they no longer do. If they do agree to start dating again, do you think they’ll love you the same? Or do you think you will always be in doubt, thinking they are just in the relationship because you begged them to be.
6. DON’T TRY TO GET PHYSICAL WITH THEM (Kissing Won’t Change Their Mind)
Getting physical with your ex might seem like a good idea in the moment, especially because you’ll probably be feeling pretty emotional and those feelings might demand an outlet. But . . . don’t do it! It’s unlikely that being physical with your ex will seem like a good idea in hindsight.
7. DON’T INTERRUPT OR ARGUE WITH THEM
Let your ex say everything they need to say. Listen to them and try not to interrupt, even if you’re feeling angry or if you feel like what they’re saying is wrong. Listening patiently will leave a good last impression (which is what you want to leave them with). You’ll also be able to be proud of yourself for keeping it together and letting them have their say.
8. GIVE YOUR POINT OF VIEW THOUGHTFULLY.
Without Blaming or Insulting Them
If you launch into an attack on them after they’ve finished talking, you’ll just come off looking bad. If you choose to respond to what they say to you (which is something that you don’t necessarily need to do), do so thoughtfully.
Be honest and talk about how you feel and what you think—avoid statements that blame your ex or insult them. Try talking about your relationship from a 3rd-person’s point of view. This may help you put things into perspective, both for yourself and for them.
9. DON’T PLEAD
Even if you feel like their decision to end things was unjustified, you shouldn’t beg for another chance as if your life depends it. The best you can do is tell them why you disagree as reasonably as possible.
In the end, if they don’t change their mind, you need to accept that the relationship is over. Don’t plead. It makes you seem needy and desperate.
You will not die if they leave you. Your world will not come to an end even if you love them very very much.
People break up and move on with their lives every day—even people who have much more at stake. It may not seem like it now, but you’re going to be fine. Besides, there are plenty of guys out there for you to meet.
10. BE GRATEFUL
Yes you heard correctly. Thank your ex for the time that you’ve had—even if the relationship is over for good and there is no hope of getting back together. Thank them for the good things that they offered and for the things that you learned with them.
This may feel impossible to do right away, and that’s understandable. At some point, though, it will be best for you to figure out the things that you liked about your relationship. Remember that there was a reason you two were together in the first place. It didn’t just happen randomly. Find and appreciate the good times.
Also, telling them that you’re grateful for what you had makes you look really good. It shows that you have more in life to live for than the relationship, and that you’re going to carry the good things forward with you as you move on.
11. Forgive Them
This might seem impossible at first and it might not happen right away. At some point, though, you’ll need to forgive them. Holding onto a grudge — no matter how much you were wronged — only does you harm in the end.
Perhaps you’ve heard the comparison of how holding a grudge is like a person holding onto a hot coal in order to throw it at someone else. In the end, only the person holding onto the coal gets burned. Even though it may take time, you need to let your anger go. It will only harm you and will do nothing to them.
Why You Should Try to Keep Your Cool
When you respond positively to a breakup—as much as it hurts—it shows several things:
You show that you’re not in denial about what’s happening. It will show your ex that you are also capable of moving on and that you don’t need them to survive.
Reacting well shows that you are able to handle yourself even if you are hurting. This shows maturity. Though there’s nothing wrong with feeling sad (and in fact, you should take time to feel through the emotions of a breakup), behaving with dignity with your ex will help you feel stronger, and may even help you get over the breakup faster. It also makes you look good in front of them. The last thing you want is to come off looking pathetic.
Even though you feel hurt, the breakup will end on a good note and you’ll earn your ex’s respect.
You might surprise your ex. They’ll wonder why you didn’t react negatively, which is something many people expect. When you don’t beg and plead for them back, you’ll show them that you still have a life to live without them and that you’re going to be fine.
You will not regret your actions or feel ashamed because of what you did and you’ll feel good about yourself.
Things to Remember During a Breakup
Give yourself some time to think things through and time to sort out your thoughts regarding what happened. Maybe it was for your own good.
Not all relationships are meant to survive forever. There are many people out there that will be a good fit for you.
Things don’t always go to plan. Hurt is inevitable. Sometimes there is nothing more that you could have done. Maybe you did everything you could have. Either way — the relationship is over now. Try not to spend too much time rehashing the past.
If you live in denial or stay angry, you’ll only make it harder for yourself to recover. You’ll be letting your ex live on in your life when neither of you deserve that. Let them go.
You probably know this already, but it doesn’t hurt to repeat: do not contact your ex for at least two weeks. This gives you and your ex-boyfriend both some time to think and recover.
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